Feeling

For years I've sought a way to feel; to escape a place of apathy, of nothingness.  I could not be satisfied with a life void of joy and hope, but finding that joy and hope meant that I needed to embrace the sorrow and pain I would experience. 
To say that yesterday was a test of my ability to accept the gamut of feelings is putting it mildly.  The details of what happened are irrelevant, not to me or those involved but to this post, the feelings are.  I felt compassion, sorrow, anger, and hurt at a level so deep, it was more than I could handle.  I wanted to react, to lash out, to seek revenge on those that caused these feelings.  I wanted to shut down, to refuse to talk through my feelings.  I longed for that void, for that nothingness to return and protect my heart from the pain.  Despite my fight or flight instincts, I faced the feelings and talked through emotions that I didn't want to feel.  (Score one for some great friends.)
When I climbed into bed and my head touched the pillow, my thoughts began to turn to the events of the day.  My brain would not shut off and when I finally drifted into a slumber my dreams were filled with chaos and confusion.
I woke feeling tattered, beaten, and bruised, to a thunderstorm and heavy downpour of rain.  An overwhelming desire to stand in the rain filled my heart; to let it wash away the feelings that lingered from the day and night before.  For a brief moment I questioned my sanity and then the words "healing rain" took the place of questioning. 
Healing rain; grace, forgiveness, repair, and comfort, I longed for it and I let the feeling consume me until I realized that what I wanted so desperately was with me all along.  I didn't need to go stand in the rain, it was already there.....waiting for me to beckon it.....to welcome it.....to let it fall on me.  He, The One who provides healing rain, was there all along.....waiting for me to beckon Him.....to welcome Him.....to let His rain fall on me.
I think that the saying "everything happens for a reason" is true, but is too often used to pacify those with a negative experience.  I choose to use it in moments like today, when I can understand why I have an experience; I call them God moments.  God moments.....when God uses an experience, be it times of joy, hope, sorrow, or pain, to bring me to a place where I can find Him.  A place where I can breathe in His peace and know that everything will be alright.